advanced driving tips Archives - Comedy Defensive Driving®

Losing your mojo

Lisa — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:46:52 +0000

Losing your momentum when it comes to driving, this can relate to so many areas of life. Scene one, you are driving on the freeway, keeping a steady distance between you and the SUV ahead. Scene two, you are on a first date, keeping stupid remarks to yourself. Example; “Wow your breast are big, I have a sudden urge to wanna play Wack-a-Mole!” Back on the freeway, you are driving too close to the vehicle ahead. Their SUV is slowing down and now you have to slam on the brakes, instead of just easing off the gas pedal. Back to the bar, the alcohol is starting to hit and you mention your last relationship that ending up in a police report, instead of just saying an ingenious joke. Cut to scene one, since you were tailgating the other guy, because you were trying to figure out what movie they were watching, you just bought him a new Land Rover! Camera pans in on the bar. A song from Coldplay comes on and you get the bright idea to ask her back to your place. That’s when she tells you that she is celibate and thinking about becoming a nun. You’ve lost your mojo!! Keeping your momentum when you are driving saves on gas and emissions, not to mention you get to where you are going faster.
Join us again next week when we show you how to pick a designated driver. Thanks for all the comments and e-mails. Until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

The post Losing your mojo appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

Too much booze equals Jackass

Lisa — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 06:02:36 +0000

The physiological effects of alcohol, boy do I know this one all too well. Who among us has not prayed to the porcelain god at 3am? Who has ever woke up the next morning lying beside a bar beast or landing in jail because of Jose or Jack? Maybe you’ve said, “Man…sure I slept with her, but I was really drunk!” Come on, you knew what you were doing at the time, it’s just that alcohol helps you say, “Aw, what tha hell!” Hey don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be anit-alcohol, I love to drink. I’m not an alcoholic or at least that’s what I keep telling my therapist. I just like to have a good time every now and then with Jack Daniels…and maybe a one night stand after a show. But if you drink, regardless of your tolerance level, at some point you will be affected by the booze. So if you are gonna drink, plan ahead. Give your keys to a sober person, preferably someone you know. Have a designated driver. Drink at home, alone, that way psycho problems start to develop, but at least you are a safe drinker.

Join us again next week. I hope you keep sending in your comments and suggestions. Until then…

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Too much booze equals Jackass appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

Trashy people

Lisa — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 03:15:23 +0000

Littering on our roads is a major problem. Jerk-offs who think the world is their personal garbage can and has no regard for the environment. I once dated a woman who I thought was almost perfect in every way, boy was I wrong. She was a head-turner, stunning beauty that captivated any room she walked into. She was even more beautiful on the inside, not a mean bone in her body. I once heard a wise saying; “For every gorgeous woman walking around alone, there is a guy out there that could take her sh*t anymore.” I was riding shot gun in her car one night, when she pulled out a pack of gum and offered me a piece, generous too, right?! As soon as she took the gum out of the wrapper she tossed the paper out the window. I was shocked, she’s a LITTER BUG!!!!! My image of her was shattered. There is no way I could date a woman like her. This is the same kind of person who would hit a parked car and not leave a note.

Here are a few suggestions to avoid littering:
1. Keep a small trash bag in your car. When you go to the gas station, empty it out.
2. If you smoke, buy an ashtray, it costs a couple of bucks. Cigarettes are the most common piece of trash throw on our roads.
3. Don’t throw food onto the roads, it attracts animals to the road way.
4. “Give a hoot and don’t pollute.”

Do your part to keep our roads clean, by simply being part of the solution and not the problem. Join me again next week when we talk about picking the perfect designated driver. Until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

The post Trashy people appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

Lighting can fool you

Lisa — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 16:08:05 +0000

I was in a bar after a show in New Orleans when in walks the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. This Venus lured you in by her mere presents with her long auburn hair, ocean colored eyes and an arousing body that was sculpted by the hand of God himself! She took the seat at the end of the bar. The obvious fact that she was alone should have been my first clue that something was not right with this seductive situation. I struck up what I thought was a clever, witty and humorous conversation with the help of Jack Daniels. Under the neon lights, the silver moon for bar flies and dreamers alike, she looked like an angel, a dirty angel but angelic in her appearance none the less. We traded embellished stories over spirits and Camel lights until we took a taxi back to my hotel room in the Garden District.

Friends, brace yourself…this roller coaster of ecstasy is about to come to an abrupt stop! The woman I woke up with the next morning was not the same goddess I came home with! I was duped and no, it didn’t turn out to be a dude. I shoved her off the bed. When she growled her way up onto her hairy feet, I told her I had been called into work for an emergency. “But I thought you were a comedian” the beast snarled.

“Well yeah, but the stage lights need to be replaced and the manager is a midget so he can’t change the bulbs” I squeamishly answered. Hey, it was the best I could come up with. As the troll galloped away I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. How could the woman of my dreams turn out to be a nightmare?

Self diagnosis: there were several contributing factors.
1. Jack Daniels.
2. The lighting conditions
3. The fact that I’m a male dumb dog

The fact that I had Jack Daniels and poor lighting conditions was the reason for my careless decision. What does this have to do with driving, you ask? I was giving an example of how lighting can be an illusion in certain situations. Poor lighting can cause you to miss road obstructions, potholes on the street or warts on someone’s face. The glare of the sun can cause approaching vehicles to become invisible. Clean your headlights, especially after inclement weather. Use sunglasses during the day but never at night, duh! And always have your sun visor pointed away from your face.

Join me again next week and thanks for all the comments and e-mails. Until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

The post Lighting can fool you appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

Going Too Fast on Road and In Your Relationship Can Kill

Lisa — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 18:33:26 +0000

Speeding while driving, now I must admit I sometimes have a problem with this one. If you live in Dallas then you know when you have the sparse chance when there is no traffic and you can speed, take it! But sometimes speeding (too much over the limit) isn’t a good thing. Just like in a shiny new relationship, you don’t want to rush things, right? You take things nice and easy.OK, we’re not talking about the freeways in any major town, U.S.A. anymore! Drivers speed all the time and the cops can’t catch all of us, except for that poor S.O.B. who got pulled over for doing five to seven over the speed limit on the highway.

I wish the same consequences for speeding on the freeway could apply to dating as well.You’re sitting on the sofa and she talks about moving in on the 3^rd date, then a cop yanks her over to the side and gives her a ticket. Ladies can relate too, there are plenty of guys who have a led foot/apparatus when it comes to going too fast, especially when there is alcohol and a twenty-four hour wedding chapel in Vegas involved.

Speed is a major contributing factor in car wrecks, so slow down a little. Join us next week and please keep sending in your comments!

Until next week…

Danny Keaton

The post Going Too Fast on Road and In Your Relationship Can Kill appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.