First of all you want to make sure you get plenty of rest before your road trip. Many spur of the moment road trips to Vegas happen after a night of partyin’and that can be fun but a trip to Gram Gram’s house in Oklahoma with no rest can suck. Besides just driving through Oklahoma is enough to put you to sleep behind the wheel.

Many truck drivers have claimed that chewing sunflower seeds are a favorite among the truckers to help keep them awake, well…that and crystal meth. Stay away from energy drinks such as Red Bulls, Monster and Cocaine (yeah there’s a drink sold at convenience stores called cocaine!) What’s next, headache relief tablets called “Blow-job?” Remember, what goes up, must come down and those caffeine crashes can be really bad and taking barbiturates to help level you out is not a solution to that problem.

Once every two hours or hundred miles, pull over somewhere and take a couple of minutes to walk around the car, get your blood circulating again. It goes without saying, be careful where you pull over. Biker Road House parking lots, “No-tell” motels and rest areas in Louisiana on I-10 are probably not a good idea to let Gram Gram wonder around. Switch out drivers and talk to your passengers, if you’re driving by yourself, talk to yourself. And I don’t care what anyone says; there is nothing wrong with answering yourself.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and I wish everyone a safe holiday and happy 2011 and be sure to check underneath that hood, make sure your belts and hoses are in tack. Don’t forget those tires and “Gram Gram’s” medical marijuana stash.

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Happy Holidays: the most dangerous time of the year appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

You know the song;

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

With drunk Uncle Ned

And Cousin Ed coming out of the closet

And saying he’s queer! It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!”

Yes, the holidays are here and with that comes the TURKEY, YEAH!!!! I love holiday meals that someone else took the time to cook and I get to reap the rewards! But remember boys and girls, turkey contains an essential amino acid called L-tryptophan that can cause drowsiness more than listening to Uncle Rick’s boring fishing stories. But truth be told, some nerdy scientific experts say that tryptophan would have to be ingested on an empty stomach and with no other amino acids in order to make you sleepy. It’s actually the fat contents of Grandma’s cooking, alcohol and over-eating which makes your fat ass tired.

But this isn’t a lecture on nutritional contents and dysfunctional families; this blog is to inform you on the dangers of fatigue driving in America. Did you know, according to the National Sleep Foundation, over 100,000 auto accidents are the result of fatigued driving in the U.S. every year? I don’t know what’s more surprising, that alarming fact or the fact that “sleep” has its own foundation! Some states such as Texas, New Jersey and Florida have included fatigue driving under their DUI laws. Driving safety experts say that a drowsy driver is just as dangerous as a drunk driver.

Now I can understand if you are ready to get the hell of out of your parent’s house after the holiday meal, because you are reminded of why you wanted to move out in the first place. But make sure you are mentally alert for the drive back to your home, hotel or nearest bar. Besides, after the family get-together, I’m sure you’ll have plenty to talk about on the way home with your other passengers.

I hope you have a safe and happy holiday season. Remember to have a designated driver when drinking alcohol and don’t drive under the influence of fatigue!

Join me again next week and until then…

Take Care and Be Safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Thanksgiving for speeding tickets appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

 The family mini-van has the stick figures of the whole family and if there is a guy driving that mini-van his balls are probably in a holder around the rearview mirror. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the family.

The single guy has a diver flag sticker on his Jeep to impress the chicks, even though he might not know how to swim.

One time I saw a sticker that said “Honk if you love Jesus” so I honked and the lady in the other car shot me the finger! That wasn’t supposed to happen!

And check this out, they also have “WI-FI detection” bumper stickers! You put it on your window and it lets you know when you have a Wi-Fi signal. I would think it would work better on your dash but hey, you’re trying to look cool so put it on your back window so everyone can see it.

But one thing I also noticed when noticing all these bumper stickers is that I wasn’t paying attention to the road! Bumper stickers are major distractions for drivers across the country. According to the California Department of Motor Vehicles, 80 % of crashes and 65% of near-crashes are caused by some form of driver distractions and yes that includes drivers trying to read bumper stickers! One of my favorites is, “If you can read this, you are too close” and next thing you know, BAM, you hit the person in front of you! If you must share a clever extract make sure it only contains a short sentence like “Obey Gravity, It’s the Law.” Anything more than one sentence can be a distraction, besides who would remember all that anyway?

If you have any comments or suggestions, please send them in. Join me again next week and until then…

Take Care and Be Safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Bumper stickers, they are everywhere! appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

So in an attempt to piss off my roadway foe evening more, I did what my girlfriend calls “passive-aggressive” behavior, I stopped in the middle of the intersection and waited for the light to turn yellow. It wasn’t enough to keep him from continuing through the intersection but enough I’m sure to make him even angrier! So there…I won, or did I?

I’m going to tell you 3 simple methods that will prevent 90% of the road rage you could be involved in. The other 10 percent, well just like that ass-clown that was honking his horn, you can’t get by all of them. That’s what guns are for.

1. Always use your blinkers before you turn or change lanes. Now I understand sometimes you don’t want to waste that blinker fluid that is so expensive! (Sarcasm: there is no such thing as blinker fluid) The law in most states require you to turn on your signal at LEAST 100 feet before you turn or change lanes. And if you can guess the distance of 100 feet as you are traveling, all the more power to you!

2. Don’t tailgate! If you are a tailgater you are asking for trouble mister or madam, damn it!! Always keep a good following distance between you and the car ahead. 2 to 3 seconds in good weather.

3. Stay out of the left lane on the highway or freeway, unless you are passing another vehicle. This in itself is a major cause of road rage and it should be! Some people think, “Well I’m going the speed limit, they can go around!” NO, you self-righteous sack-of-sh#%!!! The left lane is for passing only! Even if you are already speeding, if someone wants to go faster, let them!

Making these three things part of your driving habits can reduce your chances of being in a road rage situation. As for that incident at the intersection, I wasn’t the winner. As a matter of fact, I was the asshole for letting myself descend to his level. Maybe I could have gotten out of my Jeep and punched his lights out (and hoped he didn’t have a gun) but then what would that prove? Besides the person driving that minivan was a woman.

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Defensive driving: 3 ways to prevent road rage!!!! appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

But if you re-trace your steps, there is probably something you could have done to lessen the chances of your car being “jacked.” First, never leave your car running unattended, that’s just asking for it! You think you’re just going to run in and buy a pack of smokes and you come back out and your car is already have way to the chop shop! Keep all your valuables out of plain sight. If you leave your computer, CDs, jewelry or porn lying around, you might as well just post a sign on your windshield that says, “I’m a dumbass, please help yourself to what is mine!” Always roll up your windows even if you are parked outside of your house, unless you have farted and you need to air it out. Never, ever, leave your keys in the car! You would think that would go without saying, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to steal your ride if your keys are on the front seat. Here is a list of states and cities with the highest vehicle theft but keep in mind, you don’t have to live in these places to be a victim.

#1 California
Approx. 242,693 auto thefts per year

#2 Texas
Approx. 95,429 auto thefts per year

#3 Florida
Approx. 76,437 auto thefts per year

#4 Arizona
Approx. 54,849 auto thefts per year

#5 Michigan
Approx. 50,017 auto thefts per year

#6 Washington
Approx. 45,899 auto thefts per year

#7 Georgia
Approx. 43,163 auto thefts per year

#8 Illinois
Approx. 37,641 auto thefts per year

#9 Ohio
Approx. 37,425 auto thefts per year

#10 New York
Approx. 32,134 auto thefts per year

U.S. Cities with the Highest Auto Theft Rates
**Results are calculated on a scale of thefts per 100,000 people

1. Modesto, California
2. Laredo, Texas
3. Yakima, Washington
4. San Diego/Carlsbad/San Marcos, California
5. Bakersfield, California
6. Stockton, California
7. Las Vegas/Paradise, Nevada
8. Albuquerque, New Mexico
9. San Francisco/Oakland/Freemont, California
10. Fresno, California
11. Visalia-Porterville, California
12. Detroit, Michigan
13. Tucson, Arizona
14. Sacramento, California
15. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
16. El Centro, California
17. El Paso, Texas
18. Vallejo, California
19. Phoenix, Arizona
20. Eugene, Oregon
21. San Bernardino, California
22. Columbus, Ohio
23. Miami, Florida
24. Los Angeles, California
25. New Orleans, Louisiana

U.S. Cities with the Lowest Auto Theft Rates
**Results are calculated on a scale of thefts per 100,000 people

1. Virginia Beach, Virginia
2. New York, New York
3. Austin, Texas
4. Arlington, Texas
5. San Antonio, Texas
6. Louisville, Kentucky
7. San Jose, California
8. Wichita, Kansas
9. Colorado Springs, Colorado
10. Jacksonville, Florida

Just a few simple methods that were mentioned can save you from being a statistic. Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Dude, where’s my car!!?? appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

All Hallows Eve is just around the corner and little kids in costumes are also just around the corner! Hitting a kid dressed as a Twilight vampire is not cool but hitting a 23 year old “Man-child” still living at home, dressed as a Dungeons and Dragons character should accumulate some points. Be careful when you are driving around the neighborhoods this Halloween. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, 4,092 pedestrians were killed last year in the United States. Now when you break that down to the little children (Under 14) and Halloween, children are twice as likely to be killed as a pedestrian on October 31^st, than any other night of the year, according to Safe Kids USA. When I was a kid trick-or-treating, I thought you always had to watch out for that creepy old guy who lived on the corner and told us we had to drop our pants if we wanted some Butterfingers but now days you have to watch out for drivers, especially the ones who have been drinking!

Be out on the look for goblins and “Thriller’ versions of Michael Jackson this year, slow down, don’t drink and drive but if you drive a van, it’s probably not a good idea to slow down too much around the kids. Between the hours of 5:30pm and 9:30pm is prime time for these little dressed up bastards, so be careful, you don’t want to run over a kid who might be on their way over to egg your house!

I hope you have a fun, safe and happy Halloween this year! Don’t drink and drive and don’t sacrifice any animals to any Pagan Gods and one more thing….I still hate Butterfingers!

Join me again next week and until then….

Take Care and Be Safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Defensive driving this halloween: Trick-or-treat! appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

AKA the Point System, this is the law that allows the state of Texas to generate more revenue by charging its licensed drivers a surcharge annually for 3 years on top of the fines the driver has ALREADY paid to the courts. In other words, this is state government saying “We’re going to bend you over and stick it to you and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it!”

Let’s say you get a ticket for no insurance in the city of Arlington, Texas. The fine for that “no-no” is $416, this includes court cost and a portion going to the new Cowboys Stadium (just kidding, this is NOT true, I hope.) After you have paid the fine, the Lone Star state will also sock you a surcharge of $250 a year, for 3 years. I’m all for the state enforcing laws that require all drivers to have at least liability insurance and cracking down on drunk drivers but to be punished twice for the same “crime?” This is like when you were a kid and your big brother kicked your ass, then your parents found out you were fighting and they kicked your ass again when you got home!!  Our state government has taken advantage of us and no one is doing anything or saying about it!

LET YOUR STATE LAW MAKERS KNOW YOU WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! Our founding fathers of this great nation enacted the Constitution in-part, to protect us from greedy government and shady politicians.

Join me again next week and until then….

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

(Comedy Defensive Driving School is not responsible for Danny Keaton’s articles.)

The post You are going to get spanked, twice. appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

With the increase of law enforcement agencies using “un-marked” police vehicles to help in fighting the “war on speeding,” it has made it easier for cowards to impersonate police officers. Police have been utilizing this clever tactic of minivans, SUVs and trucks in aiding with the element of surprise when it comes to road rage, drunk drivers as well as speeders. But as a woman or good looking’ dude (who looks like one of the fancy boys on Jersey Shore) be careful, pulling over immediately for an un-marked police car could be the end of your bottom chastity.

Always have a cell phone with you when you drive in case of an emergency. An emergency is not letting everyone know that you are driving on _____ (insert local freeway here) on your Facebook or Twitter but to have in-case you are being pulled over by an unmarked police car or you are involved in an accident or witness an accident.

This article is not meant to scare anyone; chances are very likely you will never be involved in these situations, especially if you look like Nancy Grace but just in-case:

A student of mine told me she was driving on a freeway in Dallas, Texas. A man in a Crown Vic pulled up beside her with a flashing blue light in the dash like Hawaii Five O. The man was waving a badge and motioning her to pull over.

“Something about it didn’t seem right.”

My student pulled her cell phone and called 911. When the predator saw the phone he took off. The 911 operator told her to keep driving; the police are on the way. She said they pulled over the imposter, ran his ID and come to find out he was a registered sex offender!

If an un-marked police car is attempting to pull you over hit your flashers and call 911, don’t pull over immediately! Get a general description of the car and license plate number if you can. Mile markers that correspond closely to an exit number on the highway are there for a reason and know where you are or at least a general idea of which one of the 50 states you’re in.

If you have 10 cars behind you with flashing red and blue lights….and a helicopter with an infrared spotlight on you, then it’s safe to pull over.

Join me again next week and until then,

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Defensive Driving Announcement: Pass it on! appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

Well there are a few options that will help you in this most uncomfortable predicament;

1. Pull over, open the hood and flap the hood up and down to create smoke signals. But then you realize you don’t know Apache smoke communication and you’ve accidently sent out a message that says, “Big white man fatty needs love too.”

2. Pull over; use extreme caution when opening the hood. If the car is steaming like a cheated angry wife, let the engine cool down before you open the hood. Check the upper and lower radiator hoses, are they cracked? Check the coolant reservoir tank, it’s that plastic jug looking thing that has a hose running to the radiator, is it empty? Use a rag or bra when opening the radiator cap, (MAKE SURE THE ENGINE IS COOLED DOWN FIRST!!!!!) does it have coolant?

Option number 3, if you don’t have time to pull over, turn on your heater, yes, I said turn on your heater! I know what you’re thinking, “but it’s the middle of August!” Hear me out, this really works; first, roll down your windows, turn the heater to the floor and blast it all the way! When you turn on the heater, it drains all the heat away from your engine and in a minute or two you will see the temperature gauge go down. SPECIAL NOTE: THIS DOES NOT FIX THE PROBLEM but it should be enough to get you to a mechanic or the bar.

Most of the time just simple vehicle maintenance can keep you from having headaches on the road and save you lots of money too. Have your radiator flushed and filled every two years. Check your fluids every time you have your oil changed. All this will ensure you will be a happy driver.

Join me again next week and until then…

take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Some like it hot appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

Next week we will talk about the importance of using your mirrors. Let us know what you think and give us a comment.

Take care-
Danny Keaton

The post Bad weather!!! appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.