COMPARING CARS TO RELATIONSHIPS

My buddy Henri and I were just comparing cars to relationships. While we both agreed that we find the SAAB (especially the 80’s sporty models) super sexy and romantic, there are drawbacks to the exotics. Unlike a domestic vehicle, it is high maintenance and probably breaks down a lot (see the relationship similarities?). I mean, this is assuming you bought a used one, which we also both agreed that is what either of us could only afford. I did a quiz online and the car that was chosen to best suit my personality was a vintage baby blue VW beetle. Yep, just like a bad relationship, it will break down, run out of gas and make a lot of noise when sneaking into the garage late at night.

WHAT CAR BEST SUITS YOUR PERSONALITY

If I created my own car personality test (to see what car best suits your personality) here are a few of the questions I would ask someone as to how they describe themselves:
• Is your age range between 45-64? (a.k.a. Mid-life crisis years)
• Do Corvettes give you goose bumps or hives? (Another mid-life crisis trigger)
• How would a first date describe you? (Fast, Spendthrift and Carefree or Slow, Cheap and Safe)
• How are you with money? (Again, cheapskate or spendthrift … just double-checking)
• What is your favorite movie genre? (Horror, comedy, boring home movies of your kids)
• How do you describe your style? (Chanel, Burberry, Marshall’s or TJMaxx)

So, you may want to trade that jacked-up, sticky Brady Bunch mini-van for a mid-life crisis red Corvette. That’s what I will likely need to do, as I doubt I can even touch a vintage VW Beetle within my budget.

Until next week…
Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

CHOOSING A CAR – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Goodyear recommends that you have your tires balanced and rotated every 3,000 to 6,000 miles. So, while I’m getting my oil changed I will have them do this as well. Often times irregular tire wear can be corrected by rotating your tires. It is also recommended that the alignment is checked at least once a year. Misalignment of the front or rear tires can cause rapid or uneven wear. Front wheel drive and cars with independent rear suspension require alignment of all four wheels instead of two.

A tire’s tread directly affects how it grips the road, so it’s important to inspect them regularly for visible signs of uneven wear. The penny test is recommended since it is easy to do. Insert a penny into your tire’s groove (with Lincoln’s head upside down and facing you). If you can see Lincoln’s entire head, your tire depth is less than 2/32 inch and it’s time to replace them. If you have a pocket full of change, or a quarter instead, insert it into the groove. If the tread touches Washington’s head, you have at least 4/32 inch of tread remaining.

And, as they say, the best solution is often the easiest. Properly inflated tires can benefit more than just the tread wear. It will help to ensure your safety, extend the life of your tire and even help your fuel economy.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Car Tire Care – Comedy Defensive Driving

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More vacationing, means more drivers on the road, which causes more traffic and congestion. Unfamiliar roads for vacationers and sightseeing (or rubber necking as we call it in Texas) may cause drivers to slow down or drive erratically when distracted. Look out for some road rage from the locals. Because we all know that tourists are a pain in the rear and should always be made fun of. School is out, so there are going to be many more teen (inexperienced) drivers on the road. And, as much as we parents hate to admit it, data shows that teens are more likely to be involved in accidents than other age groups. The heat and friction has also do a number on your tires. Tires are likely to blow out during the hot summer months. So have them checked out and always keep a filled spare. Most parts of the country that experience extreme winter weather only have the summer months as their opportunity to do road construction. Be mindful of construction zones and construction workers (you know…the guys in the orange vests).

So, plan ahead. Make sure you have your entire route mapped out. GPS is awesome, as we all know. But knowing ahead of time what your exact route is will save time, grief and a possible accident (whether that accident may be a fender bender or a kick in the face). Bring along plenty of water and an extra cell phone charger. You don’t want to be stranded in the heat with a dead cell phone. Oh…and don’t forget to pay your cell phone bill. Again, you don’t want to be stranded in the heat with a dead cell phone.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Summer Driving Hazards – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Preventative maintenance, paying close attention to and not ignoring certain signs could save you a bundle in the long run. For example, a catalytic converter, responsible for controlling your vehicle’s emission system, is over a whopping one thousand dollars to replace. Replacement could have been prevented if the spark plugs and fuel injectors were checked and replaced as needed. Smaller things lead to larger things in the end. And that’s just one example of how keeping up with common auto repairs could have saved you money.

Routine maintenance expenses include brake service, oil changes, battery replacement, tire replacement, windshield wiper replacement, tune-ups, timing belt replacement or drive belt replacement. Of course, if you can educate yourself on how to do some of these yourself, it could save you a bundle if you’re on a budget. From my experience, executives don’t look good with grease under their nails. So, leave the common auto repairs and maintenance up to the professionals. Again, not keeping up routine maintenance usually costs more money to fix. Unexpected costly repairs and possibly costly towing expenses.
Unexpected repairs that usually begin to occur one day after your car is out of warranty (isn’t that an odd coincidence?) include shocks and struts, power steering pump, alternator replacement, starter replacement and sometimes internal engine repairs or transmission issues.

On another note, if you are budgeting and trying to cut down on fuel costs, even a missing gas cap leads to fuel evaporating into the environment. Bad for the environment and bad for your budget.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Common Auto Repairs – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Times have certainly changed. Oil chemistry and engine technology have improved to the point that most cars, these days, can go several thousand more miles before changing the oil than they did in the past. What used to be a recommended oil change at 3,000 miles is now between 7,500 and 10,000 miles or more. I always loved the bit that Comedienne Nancy Reed used to do about “True Confessions.” One of her many, funny, true confessions onstage was that she’d call one of those telephone companion hotlines and tell them “I haven’t changed my oil since 1999!” And, yes, I italicized the word companion, because we all know there is no other “nice” word for it.

Since your mechanic generally takes care of all of the other lubricants and greases that your car requires, let’s focus on engine oil. Here’s what it does, in case you were curious. Oil lubricates the engine and keeps it running smoothly. Less friction means less effort which takes some stress off of the engine. Therefore, keeping the temperature down and your car more fuel efficient. Just like in a relationship. The less friction, the longer it lasts. The more friction, someone will eventually throw a rod, and be garaged for a long time.

And, another thing, an oil change is not to be confused with a lube job. A lube job lubricates the chassis and suspension system. A different part of the car, altogether. So they are two different things. If your mechanic asks you if you want a lube job or asks you if he can check your lubricant, make sure you clarify which, before you presumptuously slap his face.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Types of Engine Lubricants – Comedy Defensive Driving

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While preparing my car for a long road trip a boyfriend once told me that my life was kind of like driving a car. Every once in a while I would go off the main road and onto an unfamiliar road which winds around, way off the beaten path. But, eventually I always found my way back to the main road. He was a Psychiatrist, so I don’t know if he was analyzing me or trying to tell me in a nice way that it just wasn’t going to work out between us. Dating a doctor was fun, but I wasn’t very nice to him. I used to send him flowers, knowing that they’d die and he couldn’t save them. I recently had another guy tell me that my driving is a “road trip.” What’s up with the criticism and driving analogies? They would both be shocked to know that I now teach defensive driving. Heck, even my own father laughed when I told him that. If you like to go off the beaten path in your life’s travels and your driving is a “road trip” maybe I can offer you a few tips for preparing your car for a road trip.

Traveling out of state

If you are planning on traveling out of state, remember that each state you travel through on your road trip has its own traffic laws which may differ from your own. Some states will now allow you to show the police your auto insurance on your phone, rather than the paper copy, and some won’t. Some state laws allow you to take a right turn on red, and a left turn on a one-way road onto a one-way road on red. Some states don’t allow you to date your own cousin (not a traffic law, but just a friendly reminder). You may also be required to have both a back and a front license plate on your car. Use your signals no matter what, even if you’re in a designated turn lane. Never cross over a double solid line. And remember that the 10% cushion that police used to allow over the speed limit is a thing of the past. Police now say the speed limit sign means what it says. It’s the “limit” and if you go over the limit, they will likely write you a citation. Some states now require that you follow the officer to the local courthouse and pay your ticket on the spot before leaving their state.

Treat your car to a mechanic

Before you set out on your journey, take your car to your favorite mechanic (you know, the cute one) and have them check out your fluid levels, tire pressure, etc. Have your oil changed before you leave for your road trip. Have them top off all of your fluids, including windshield wiper fluid. Make sure your car is travel worthy for the road trip. Also, the American Red Cross offers tips for safe travel when preparing your car for a road trip. Be well rested and alert, use your seatbelts, observe speed limits and follow the rules of the road.

Here are additional ways for preparing your car for a long road trip

• Give your full attention to the road. Avoid distractions such as cell phones and nude truck drivers.
• Use caution in work zones.
• Make frequent stops. Drinking plenty of fluids will help.
• Clean your vehicle’s lights and windows whenever you stop for gas.
• Turn your headlights on as dusk approaches or during inclement weather.
• Don’t overdrive your headlights.

And remember…don’t stop off at the place on Route 66 in Arizona that says “Live Baby Rattler” … it’s a rip off.

Until next week…be safe.

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist / Benevolent Thesbo

Preparing Your Car For A Road Trip – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Here are a few symptoms to pinpoint the problem:

If your car will not crank at all and you hear a clicking noise, which slowly fades away to nothing, it may be either your battery is dead/dying or you have bad cable or terminal connections. You can take the battery out and take it to a mechanic (which would be cheaper than having your car towed). Or, you can clean your battery cable connections with a wire brush (and I used a fizzy soft drink) until the connections are clean and then reconnect them and try it again.

If the lights are dim when you try to start the car, the radio does not come on and the windshield wipers don’t work, it’s likely a dead battery.

Most vehicles have a battery light somewhere on the dashboard that indicates battery life. If this light comes on, the battery is fairly new and holds a charge well when tested, and you’ve ruled out an electrical short, then the problem might be the alternator.

The battery, alternator and voltage regulator all work together to keep electrical components of the car powered properly. It can be costly to replace the alternator if the battery or regulator really are the problem. So have these three parts tested separately to find out which component is failing.

So, if you find your car won’t start, keep your fingers crossed. Hopefully it’s just a dead battery. Taking care of your car battery, will take care of you.

Until next week.

Daun T
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Take Care of That Battery from ComedyDefensiveDriving.com

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Vehicle maintenance, here’s something that is a sensitive subject with me. When I was given this job to write an article titled a worn timing belt. Just the word “belt” sends me into a fetal position. That was a word that was used way too often when I was a bad kid. And, I was exactly THAT. But, realizing that I haven’t probably been aware of, or didn’t remember that the timing belt is a vital and critical instrument in the life of my sweet ride has really made me change my schedule for tomorrow. Monday is now set-aside for having that baby checked out and/or replaced. Perhaps we should have called this blog The “Bad Timing” Belt.

As a general rule of thumb, you will want to change your timing belt at least every 60,000 miles or so. I’ve racked up twice that amount of miles on my car. So this will be the true test to see if that’s why I’ve heard that screeching sound when starting my car.  It may just be that I have a worn timing belt.

If you want to check it out yourself, just open your hood and take a look at the belt. It should be to the left of your engine or directly in front of the engine. Does it look tattered? Cracked? Or, broken anywhere? These can all indicate it’s time to change your belt.

Just so you know what you’re dealing with here, a timing belt, timing chain or cam belt is part of an internal combustion engine. It connects the crankshaft to the camshaft(s), which control the opening and closing of the engine’s valves. Some cars only have one camshaft; others have more than one. Timing belts are used with engines that have overhead camshafts in place of the old timing chains because they’re easier and cheaper to manufacture. Are you writing this down? Because it will be on the test. I took an auto mechanics class in high school. But don’t remember much. After all…that’s why they call it “high” school…am I right?

Other common signs the timing belt could be wearing out include:
Your car is spewing out more exhaust than usual.
Your high-mileage car is hard to start.
The engine vibrates, causing your car to shake.
Your car shuts off while driving and spins over quicker than normal when you’re trying to restart it. So, getting it checked out every 60,000 miles could save you some “alone time” on the side of the road with a guy named Bubba, whose sole purpose in life is to help women in distress…and to post “ads” on CraigsList.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Comedienne / Artist / Writer / Amatuer Auto Mechanic

Worn Timing Belt – Comedy Defensive Driving

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There are several areas of your vehicle that require wiper and other fluids to run well. The engine, transmission, radiator/cooling system, air conditioner, wiper fluid, battery and the brake system. If you need tips on how to check and change your engine oil, refer to last week’s blog Car Maintenance: Oil. Transmission fluid should be checked while the engine is running. The dipstick should be located near the oil dipstick, but consult your manual for the precise location. Since the transmission is a sealed system, unlike with engine oil, it should really never be low unless it is leaking. If you see a reddish-brown fluid leak, it’s likely transmission fluid. Then you should take it into your mechanic to get it checked out. If it’s blood, you should be shopping for another get-away car. Checking the radiator/cooling system should always be done with a cooled but not entirely cold engine. The radiator cap should be found toward the front and center of the engine. Or, if it’s a Smart Car, it will be located inside the glove compartment (just kidding…I don’t even know if they have room for a glove compartment). The overflow reservoir should be visible and right next to it. You should be able to see if there is the reservoir is 2/3 full. If it is below, mix 50/50 water and radiator fluid/coolant and pour directly into the radiator until your reservoir reaches 2/3 full. Since the air conditioning system is both costly and difficult for the non-mechanic to deal with, always have your mechanic check it out for you. As far as the battery goes, most newer ones are maintenance free. But, if you have a traditional battery, adding distilled water into the cells from time to time will increase its life expectancy. And, the brake system, like the transmission, is a sealed system. Consult your manual for location of the brake fluid reservoir. It should be 2/3 full. If not, top up to the fill line. If it appears to be leaking, take it into your mechanic to locate the leak.

This reminds me of something an old friend, Tom Ley, told me one of his hispanic landscapers would say when they’d see a pretty girl. “Huy pero qué curvas y yo sin frenos” Translated, meaning “Ah, what curves…and me with no brakes.” How romantic…that should be on a Valentines.

Summed-up … if your garage floor has so many colors of fluids splattered on it that it looks like a Jackson Pollock painting, you may need to be looking for another car.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Comedienne / Artist / Writer / Benevolent Thesbo

Car Maintenance: Wiper And Other Fluids – Comedy Defensive Driving

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