Also, I’ve noticed that most women, unlike men, don’t like to drive. Driving, to me, is a chore. Especially with the traffic we have here in the city. It takes forever just to get across town. You leave the house clean-shaven and by the time you get to your destination, you have a full beard. And a woman my age can totally grow a full beard. I’ve seen it and I know you have too. I mean, not in the mirror, but on other women.

In Texas, they are doing construction on most of the freeways all at the same time. So it’s been a mess here with traffic and ramp construction. What would normally have been a 15 minute drive, took me one hour and 45 minutes. And that wasn’t even in rush hour traffic. I have noticed that, in my defensive driving classes, I have more people getting a speeding ticket for entering and exiting the freeway too fast or speeding on the access road on either side of the freeway to get up to speed before entering the ramp. The problem is, the ramps are too darned short here. In fact, they’re dangerously short. And, I read something a few years ago that stated “Texas is planning to lengthen the ramps where they can. And they are going to take responsibility for how some of our highways and roads are poorly designed.” So, years later, they actually are keeping their promise and lengthening the ramps while they are widening the freeways. Now, many entrance ramps are long enough that you can actually get up to speed to merge in with the flow of traffic. And you have lengthy exit ramps to get from freeway speed, down to access road speed without locking up your breaks to reduce your speed.

Another problem, in addition to the short ramps, is that people seem to be doing 80 in the slow lane and 45 in the fast lane (passing lane). You must get up to speed to be able to merge in with the flow of traffic. And, on a short ramp, unless you have a crotch rocket motorcyle or a reallly fast car, you have to get a good, running start on the access road. Hence, the speeding ticket you will receive. You’re not supposed to exceed the speed limit on the access road until you enter the ramp, which is impossible.

So, thank you, Texas, for keeping your word and lengthening those ramps. Until they lengthen the ramps on your commute to work, you may want to go out and purchase a crotch rocket motorcyle or a really fast car. And, perhaps those of you who like to do 80 in the slow lane can consider moving over to another lane and let the ramp enter the freeway. In traffic, it wouldn’t hurt you to let one car, per car enter the freeway from the ramp. It’s affectionately called the “zipper.” Some people will, while other people won’t let anyone in because they think it’s going to make them later than they already are, and then you have the good samaritan that has to let a half dozen cars in at one time. Thinking he’s doing his good deed for the day. And the guy behind him is counting how many bullets he needs to put in the chamber of his gun because he’s not so happy.

So, be patient, be courteous and good luck out there.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Traffic and Construction – Comedy Defensive Driving

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My Aunt Sally is currently on a road trip to Austin from Illinois. She doesn’t know what she’s in for. Just the trip from Dallas to Austin used to take around 3 hours (another half an hour if you stop for kolaches at the Czech Stop in West, Texas). Most of the stretch on I-35 is only two lanes wide now, due to construction. Currently, if you drive to Austin from Dallas, you leave the house clean-shaven. And by the time you get to Austin, you have a full grown beard! And my Aunt Sally is at the age where, even as a female, she could totally grow a full beard. I’ve seen it…and it’s creepy.

With the Independence Day holiday approaching, taking a road trip can be a fun adventure and a costly one. Not only do you have to figure in gasoline expenses and time, but you also need to do a little research before you begin your journey. Knowing the laws in the states you will be passing through may save you from hefty traffic fines. Being from Illinois, she may not know that in Texas you can take a right turn at a red light. But your car has to settle before taking your right turn. You can also take a left turn at a red light from a one-way street, onto a one-way street. Here, you can only occupy the H.O.V. lane in Texas if you have two or more people in the car. There is currently no state law in Texas about cell phone usage or texting while driving. But there are city ordinances that vary from city to city. In the Lone Star State, you can only litter with ice, water and chicken feathers. And the police will certainly be setting up road blocks for drunk drivers throughout the Independence Day holiday weekend. And, I’m certain there are many other laws that differ from Illinois law that are too plentiful to list here. Not to mention the laws in Missouri and Oklahoma which she will be passing through. Something in the law books about cousins and animal husbandry, I’m sure. (You didn’t think for a minute that, as a Texan, I wasn’t going to take a shot at Oklahoma, did you?)

Until next week…be safe this holiday weekend, my friends. And don’t blow a finger off. At least, not the middle finger. You’ll be needing that one.

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Independence Day – Comedy Defensive Driving

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