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My Aunt Sally is currently on a road trip to Austin from Illinois. She doesn’t know what she’s in for. Just the trip from Dallas to Austin used to take around 3 hours (another half an hour if you stop for kolaches at the Czech Stop in West, Texas). Most of the stretch on I-35 is only two lanes wide now, due to construction. Currently, if you drive to Austin from Dallas, you leave the house clean-shaven. And by the time you get to Austin, you have a full grown beard! And my Aunt Sally is at the age where, even as a female, she could totally grow a full beard. I’ve seen it…and it’s creepy.

With the Independence Day holiday approaching, taking a road trip can be a fun adventure and a costly one. Not only do you have to figure in gasoline expenses and time, but you also need to do a little research before you begin your journey. Knowing the laws in the states you will be passing through may save you from hefty traffic fines. Being from Illinois, she may not know that in Texas you can take a right turn at a red light. But your car has to settle before taking your right turn. You can also take a left turn at a red light from a one-way street, onto a one-way street. Here, you can only occupy the H.O.V. lane in Texas if you have two or more people in the car. There is currently no state law in Texas about cell phone usage or texting while driving. But there are city ordinances that vary from city to city. In the Lone Star State, you can only litter with ice, water and chicken feathers. And the police will certainly be setting up road blocks for drunk drivers throughout the Independence Day holiday weekend. And, I’m certain there are many other laws that differ from Illinois law that are too plentiful to list here. Not to mention the laws in Missouri and Oklahoma which she will be passing through. Something in the law books about cousins and animal husbandry, I’m sure. (You didn’t think for a minute that, as a Texan, I wasn’t going to take a shot at Oklahoma, did you?)

Until next week…be safe this holiday weekend, my friends. And don’t blow a finger off. At least, not the middle finger. You’ll be needing that one.

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Independence Day – Comedy Defensive Driving

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This year, we are fortunate enough to stay home for the holidays and not do any traveling. But, for those of you who are planning to venture out on your long winter’s journey, here are a few tips to keep you safe during holiday travel.
Have your car checked out before you leave for your trip. Have the tires checked to be assured there is adequate tread for slippery roads. Make sure they are properly inflated and that your spare tire is ready for an emergency. If your tire jack that came with the car is a flimsy piece of junk, as they usually are these days, invest in an easy to operate jack at your local auto parts store. Have your fluid levels checked and topped off. If you haven’t already done so, flush and replace your antifreeze. Chances are, you won’t be parking in someone’s garage when you arrive at your destination, and your car will be exposed to the elements. Invest in a snow scaper and a pair of waterproof gloves. Be sure that your windshield wiper fluid is also filled and your oil grade is of the correct viscosity for cold weather. Try to put together a winter car care kit for an emergency, with blankets, water, crackers, and other items to keep you warm and alive in the event that you do get stranded on the side of the road.

And, have safe, happy travels. Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Holiday Travel – Comedy Defensive Driving

The post Holiday Travel appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

I am thankful when someone lets me merge in traffic. And, in return, the quick flash of the headlights from someone thanking me for letting them merge gives me a nice, warm “fuzzy.” It’s always good to be a thankful driver, and a courteous one as well. I am ever so thankful when I see more than one person in the car pool lane. That is better for our environment in so many ways. And thankful that motorcyclists can get in the car pool lane by themselves and that babies count as one of your passengers in the car pool lane. After all, they should count. Plus, this is a good learning opportunity for them to see how Mommy and Daddy react in traffic. Babies pick up bad words, you know, so bridle your tongue. I give thanks when I see a mom following all of the proper safety precautions with her precious cargo in tow. And, when I see a motorcyclist wearing a helmet. Now, that truly warms my heart.

Parents of small children have so many reasons to give thanks this year. Child safety laws have become more and more stringent. The citation fee for passing a school bus with its red lights flashing, also known as “overtaking a school bus” has reached a whopping $1,250.00. Seat belt laws, booster seat and car seat laws, talking or texting in a school zone and speeding in a school zone are all hefty fines. Funny, kids weren’t as important when I was a kid. Kids are really important now. Especially the private school kids. They have seat belts in their buses and everything. Of course I’m just “ kidding.” I love kids.

Until next week…Happy Thanksgiving.

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Idea Mogul

A Thankful Driver – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Labor Day has a whole new kind of meaning for those of us who have given birth. Why don’t they have a day for us? Oh, that’s right, they do. It’s called Mother’s Day. Or, “CPS Day” for some of us. Here’s a little nugget of knowledge to hang on to. Did you know that CPS will babysit for FREE! And, if you play your cards right, they will babysit for YEARS! But some of you mothers already know that. I am curious, why doesn’t Mothers Day ever come on a Monday? And why isn’t it a paid holiday, and a long week end? That way, mothers that slur can start celebrating at 5:00 p.m. on Friday and stay in the celebratory mode until late Monday evening?

Drinking on long week ends makes Labor Day travel even more of a risky venture. Not only are there drunk drivers on the roads but also hungover drivers with the brown bottle flu. Drivers with slow reflexes, anger issues and some with a death wish. Surely you’ll see some of them weaving and drifting their way back home. That has to be tough on the kiddos being towed behind the car in your boat. They thought it would be all fun and games. You thought it would be an excellent form of punishment. After all, you are the parent…the adult…the decision maker.

The American Red Cross offers tips for safe Labor Day travel. Be well rested and alert, use your seat belts, observe speed limits and follow the rules of the road. If you plan on drinking alcohol, designate a driver who won’t drink. The Red Cross also offers other tips for road trip safety.

• Give your full attention to the road. Avoid distractions such as cell phones.
• Don’t follow another vehicle too closely.
• Use caution in work zones.
• Make frequent stops.
• Clean your vehicle’s lights and windows to help you see, especially at night.
• Turn your headlights on as dusk approaches or during inclement weather.
• Don’t overdrive your headlights.

And remember, each state you travel through has its own traffic laws. In some states, you can’t take a right turn at a red light, nor a left turn at a red light onto a one way road from a one way road. You may also be required to have a license plate on both the back and the front of your car. Keep your insurance card handy. Use your signals no matter what, even if you’re in a designated turn lane. Never cross over a double solid line. And the 10% “cushion” over the speed limit doesn’t always apply. Police say the speed limit sign means what it says. It’s the “limit” and if you go over that limit, they could write you a ticket. Some states now require that you follow the officer to the local courthouse and pay your ticket in a deposit box before leaving their state. This economy has resulted in some sad, desperate measures.

Happy Labor Day travels from Comedy Defensive Driving to you and yours.

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist / Idea Mogul

Labor Day Travel – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Whenever I think of the word “trailer,” it reminds me of my “roots.” The address on my birth certificate is nothing more than “trailer park.” My mother constantly reminds me of that to keep me grounded. My father was a welder and we traveled with the pipeline. It must have been stressful for him, hauling a trailer and two screaming babies around the country. Not to mention, my nagging mother.

The last time I trailered anything with my car, it was a U-Haul when I was moving from Austin to California. I had a trailer hitch installed on the back of my BMW 325 and was ready to roll. I was excited to be getting on the road and didn’t take into consideration that the crap I was hauling was so heavy, that the weight was overbearing. I was apparently driving too fast and was unable to stop at the first red light. I applied my breaks, but the weight of the trailer pushed my car right through the intersection. Then came the next light, and I ran that too…why bother. Wouldn’t you know that a cop was right there and wrote me two tickets…just my luck.

If you’re going to be hauling a boat or a camper this summer, it all boils down to basic common sense about the importance of adjusting your driving habits when pulling your trailer. Driving needs to be done at about half the speed when you’re pulling your trailer. Give yourself adequate stopping distance, turn at a slower pace and be super careful when changing lanes. Also, you have to be aware that most people on the road with you aren’t paying attention to your trailer and may attempt to change lanes right into it’s path. Keep alert and keep your paws near the horn. And make sure to take time before you get on the road to practice backing up and turning.

It’s always best to be pulling your trailer with a truck or SUV. Smaller trailers can be hauled by a smaller car such as my BMW, but for anything over 2,000 lbs, the larger vehicle is always required. And, a dual-axle trailer is always more desirable, as dual axles provide better load distribution, which would come handy in the event of a tire blow out.

Now that you have the car and the trailer all worked out, the trailer hitch is a little tricky. Trailer hitches are rated according to capacity of the load weight and tongue weight. There are several trailer hitch classifications ranging from Class I to Class V. Class I = 2,000 GTW, while Class V = 10,000 GTW (GTW=Gross Trailer Weight, which includes the weight of the car plus what you are hauling). Hook up your brake lights and signals to the trailer and make sure they are working correctly.

With the extra weight load, your car will be burning up more fuel. Take that into consideration. And, you may check what the laws are for different rules and regulations when pulling your trailer in those states you will be passing through. At a minimum, all trailers need to have working taillights and brake lights and most states require registration of the trailer with the Department of Motor Vehicles. And, many states require trailers to drive in the slower right hand lane.

Now, off to your adventure and we’ll be back next week.

Daun Thompson
Comedienne / Writer / Artist

Pulling Your Trailer – Comedy Defensive Driving

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“We are only human and we are not perfect and you’re going to burn in a lake of fire!!!”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bashing religion, either. All I’m suggesting is that we need that little light that shines to carry it with us in our cars. That way the next time some asshole cuts us off, we won’t shoot him the finger or just plain shoot him!

And with the holiday season upon us and everyone trying to get here and there, be a little friendlier out on the roads. It takes an extra second to let someone in. Turn on your signal before you turn or change lanes. Give a friendly wave when someone lets you into traffic. Don’t cut off an 18-wheeler, it takes truckers over four times the distance to stop than a regular vehicle. And no sex while driving!

Remember, a world without road rage starts with you, if someone is tailgating you, ask yourself, “what would Jesus do?” He would probably get pissed off too and send them to hell!

I hope you have a safe and happy holiday season. Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

The post Driving in the Bible belt or another reason for traffic school appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

I know I shouldn’t procrastinate like I always do, but damn it, I can’t help it! It’s my nature to procrastinate and drive like a maniac from the mall to Target and back to another mall. Maybe I’ll just do all my shopping online and not have to worry about crowded stores and traffic.

What can brown do for me? Brown can put up with all this “holiday hype”, “stimulate the economy” B.S. I’ll just kick back with some Jack Daniels and get into some holiday cheer. Maybe by the time I come out of my whiskey coma, it will be January 2nd and I can come up with all my new year’s resolutions I plan to break by Valentine’s.

I don’t mean to be on a downer on this week’s blog. I mean, I had a great Thanksgiving and I even had a great day, just for some reason I’m in a bah humbug mood. Maybe it’s the weather but I’m sure it’s that fat guy in a red suit I saw at the mall or that lady in a grey pickup truck who I let into traffic and she didn’t give me a thank you wave.

Better yet, I’m sure it was that guy who was on the freeway ramp in front of me trying to merge with the main flow of traffic at 30mph!!!!!!! Dude, speed up! This year all I want for Christmas is a gift pack of Pepcid AC.
Tell me some of your holiday traffic woes I would love to read them. Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

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