If she was really that good at reading the future, wouldn’t she would have already noticed the warning signs that her transmission was failing? Here are a few of those indications:

• If your car is leaking black or pink oil (i.e. if your garage floor looks like a Jackson Pollock painting).

• If your car is making a knocking, pinging sound.

• If your “check engine” light is on.

• If you smell something burning under your hood.

• If your car takes its time shifting gears (especially noticeable when the engine is cool).

• If your car seems to be stuck in neutral, even when you step on the gas.

• If your clutch seems to drag.

First, check your transmission fluid level. It would also be a good idea to just take to your mechanic and have him check it out to see if it’s going to be a serious issue that requires more than topping up your fluid levels. Perhaps your mechanic has a better read on your car’s future than your own personal clairvoyant.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist / Idea Mogul

Transmission Troubles – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Have you ever leaked something? Leaking oil (out into the Gulf) leaking diaper, leaking something out of your pants? OK, that was a little over the line, but think about the word “leak.” It just sounds nasty, L-E-A-K [Leek] The word “leak’ is synonymous with “damaged” something is wrong and it needs attention, it needs to be fixed or something worse will happen.

An engine oil leak is the worst kind of leak unless you’re leaking something out of your “privates.” In that case, you will want to seek medical attention and you might want to say something to your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/friend with benefits. But if your engine is leaking oil you will want to seek mechanical attention. Here’s tha skinny on engine oil leaks:

After six or seven years (sooner if you drive a foreign car, so buy AMERICAN DAMNIT!!!) of running your engine, the gaskets and seals start to deteriorate due to wear and tear. Most likely engine oil leaks happen in these areas:

1. VALVE COVER GASKET

2. OIL PAN GASKET

3. TIMING CHAIN COVER

4. FRONT AND REAR CRANKSHAFT SEALS

Now you can change a valve cover gasket easily in most vehicles (unless you drive foreign cars…buying foreign cars cost Americans their jobs, did you know that?) But if you change the valve gasket yourself do not use a sealer on rubber gaskets, only use a sealer on cork gaskets. And make sure you don’t drink alcohol while working on your car. You’ll scream “OUCH!” a lot and when you have finished the job, you have extra parts of your car left over. The front and rear crankshaft seals are much more difficult to replace yourself, so ladies get a boyfriend who is a mechanic or a bumper-to-bumper extended auto warranty. But weight the pro’s and con’s, “auto warranty” doesn’t result in a protective order, a mechanic ex-boyfriend with a drinking problem, does.

But how do you know if your engine is leaking oil? Well here’s the inside dope on that one too. Park your car overnight, preferably at someone else’s house so you don’t mess up your own driveway. The next morning, check the spot you parked your car. Is there a dark puddle, does it have a purple like a swirl to it? Does it look like an ice-cream topping at Sonic? If the answer is yes, then you have a leak, my friend. If the puddle is yellow, that means someone or something peed in the driveway. Yes, that’s gross but it’s better than an oil leak. Pee-pee leak problem on your driveway can be taken care of with a shotgun, oil leak problem requires dinero.

I hope you got something out of this week’s blog and I hope nothing leaks on you unless you’re into that sort of thing, FREAK! Keep those e-mails and comments coming in, I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to write. If you have any suggestions or blog ideas, send them in! Join me again next week and until then…

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