You walk into their apartment, make sure the steak knives are put away. You sit them down and you say the words …”I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” There, that wasn’t so bad, just like if your car goes off the road and into the water unless you have driven off a bridge, the impact from your car rolling into water is a soft cushioned blow. Beware, just like breaking up, the next few seconds will make all the difference in the world on whether you survive or not.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR CAR IS SINKING:

1. In the car; don’t panic! Gain your composure. There are over 10,000 vehicle submerging accidents in North America every year and 300 of them result in fatal drownings. In the breakup;

Don’t panic! Gain your composure. Marriages, relationships, “friends with benefits” end all the time, you are not alone.

2. In the car; roll down your windows, the longer your car is in the water, the more of a chance your power windows will not work. In the breakup; get ready to hit that door, FAST!

3. In the car; undo your seatbelt. In the breakup; hit them with your belt! JUST KIDDING!

4. In the car; get the hell out of there, duh! In the breakup; GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! Make sure you got all your stuff you’ve had over at their house. Otherwise, it will get burn in some sort of psycho, crazy bi-tch voodoo ritual. Or maybe that’s just some of the women I have dated.

Chances are very likely you will never be involved in a vehicle submerging. But if you do, just remember not to panic, this is something you can live through. And if you’re on the receiving end of breaking up, it’s not the end of the world. Remember the words of Marylin Monroe, “Sometimes bad things happen so it can make way for better things to come.”

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe

The post Driving Under Water and Breaking up is hard to do appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

Why does a driver’s insurance rate drop at the age of twenty-five?

Recently, I was driving around in Irving, Texas listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ CD called Blood Sugar Sex Magik. When that album was released, I was 22 years old. Back then my driving sucked!! My insurance rates were high because of my gender and particularly because of my age. I drove my car like I drove through life, reckless. I would rush into a bad relationship like I was going through an intersection with a red light! Back then I hung out with a group of friends, like my age, that were into Native American Spirituality and we hung around the Dallas-Irving area and no, we didn’t play Dungeons and Dragons. We lived for the moment in our self deceived eternal youth. Like bohemians on the Ship of Fools we floated down the river of Nirvana. According to the insurance companies, we were in a high-risk age category for drivers more likely to cause an accident. Young drivers are inexperienced and they take more chances behind the wheel.

Yes, the good ‘ol days of grunge rock, the internet was new, we still had cassette players in our cars and I drove like a driver’s ed. school flunky. Now I believe or at least I hope my driving is much better, just don’t ask my girlfriend. I always use my turn signals even when I cut someone off. I make an effort to tell myself not to have road rage before I start my car. I don’t speed up to keep someone from moving over, most of the time. Even when there’s a homeless person standing on the side of a freeway off-ramp, I always make eye contact to tell them “no”, instead of acting like I have to concentrate to change the radio station.

Now to answer the question, “why does a driver’s insurance rate drop at the age of 25? In your brain, the cerebral cortex (frontal lobe) located behind the forehead, deals with complex decision making. This part of your brain does not fully develop until the age of twenty-five. For most men, it does NOT develop until 50, am I right, ladies?? That’s why your 30 year old husband acts like he’s still in the 7^th grade!

OK, back to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and driving in Irving, I had a spiritual awaking without the use of some organic substance. Unlike my Mantra of the past, “Live for today, F@%K tomorrow” my old school of philosophy has changed to “Slow down, you’re driving too fast!”, “Take it easy” and “Turn down that music, it’s too loud!” As I’m getting older, I’m gaining more experience and with that, come the wisdom. Just like a classic or antique automobile, you increase in value and prestige and along the way you pick up little pieces of dignity and unbridled pride.

Keep sending in your comments and e-mails. Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

The post Driving Under The Bridge appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.

I was thinking in my infinite wonder of sometimes stupid ideas, that; wouldn’t it be great if there was Datefax for prospective dates? You know, just like Carfax or Angie’s List, you could look up someone’s reviews of past relationships they’ve been in to see what others have said about that seemingly “hot chick” you met at 24-hour Fitness. Now, of course, it would mostly be biased, heart-broken slander such as, “she never called me back after I asked her to pay the bill at a restaurant called the Mansion on Turtle Creek.” or “she’s a WHORE!!” Somehow the honest, creditable statements without the psycho-babble would have to filter through. One could even predict how many feet in distance the other would have to stay away from according to the protective order, once they became an ex.

All this made me think what would my Datefax report say about me? I contacted my high school sweetheart and my ex-wife through Facebook and the last phone number listed on the form from the Attorney General’s Office to get an honest (no matter how brutal) statement from my past wonderful relationships that sometimes ended in a police report. Not to mention that one that ended with her throwing an appliance at me and yelling “thanks for ruining my life!!” My ex-wife said “I’m sorry…I’m just not witty enough to come up with anything” and my high school girlfriend said she will get back to me. Hmmm, maybe they just don’t want to be reminded of what they lost, yeah…that’s it! Here is what my current girlfriend would say; “He’s a warm, passionate Latino who puts my feelings first.” I’m sure that would change if we broke up!

Back to the car warranties; there are two different basic types of warranties, new car warranty, and extended auto warranty. The new car warranty has a “bumper-to-bumper” which includes everything except “wear products” such as brakes and tires. A marriage warranty would replace sagging breasts with implants or male organ impotence with battery operated machinery. There is also the “powertrain” warranty, which includes the engine and transmission, anything that makes the car move, except a lead foot. The extended auto warranty, aka “factory warranty” also includes bumper-to-bumper. Either way make sure you do some research before buying a warranty, not to mention the Carfax report and having a vehicle checked out by a mechanic before you buy that used car. By mechanic, I mean a certified A.S.E. (National Institute for Automotive Service Excellence) mechanic, not some hillbilly who “fixes things.” although Hank/Bubba usually accepts payment in the form of cash or cases of Natural Light.

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

The post Dating Auto Warranties appeared first on Comedy Defensive Driving®.