Just this morning, I was driving home from jail (that’s another story…I’ll tell you about it later) and I got stuck behind Senor Slow doing about 45mph in the left lane of the freeway. I was in a big hurry to get home and wash the jail off of me (just kidding here…did you really think I went to jail??). Dude, the left lane’s for passing only. Yes, I know they only have signs posted on Interstates, but any high speed roadway, the left lane is only for passing other cars. And, I noticed that I wasn’t the only impatient driver on the road. Some people were passing him on the right, honking at him while flipping him off. In other words, they were multi-tasking. Today, I discovered that’s what the sunroof is for…flipping people off. And, if you can drive with your knees, you can flip someone off with both hands. Which gave me an idea. I’m going to buy a foam finger, cut the finger off and glue it to the middle and just wave it out the sunroof while I’m driving down the freeway. “I’m number one! Eat my dust!!”

Then, like everyone else, I too have a bit of trouble with rush hour traffic in this big city. I was letting someone merge onto the freeway from the entrance ramp. And the guy behind me honked at me as if to say “Don’t let him in.” Dude, just take a pill (they should put Prozac in the water system here). Although the ramp yields to the freeway traffic, it doesn’t hurt to let one car, per car enter the freeway off the ramp when traffic is at a stand still. They used to call it the “zipper.” I do realize that some people think they’re doing their good deed for the day and let half a dozen cars merge in at one time. Thinking they’re being a good samaritan. While the guy behind them is counting how many bullets he needs to put in the chamber of his gun. Yes, because everyone in Texas has a gun. When I moved here, everyone had gun racks in the back window of their truck on display. Then I moved to Napa Valley, where everyone had a wine rack in the back window of their vehicle.

There are a lot of annoying drivers out there. Tailgaters, road ragers, drivers with no common sense, nor common courtesy. Don’t you be labeled the annoying driver. Pay attention to your surroundings. Let people merge when they need to. And keep on taking your Prozac.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Idea Mogul

The Annoying Driver – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Tailgate parties are upon us, which means football season is here and that means there is only one proper way to tailgate. Nothing against football, and don’t be mad at me, but I’m just not that into football. I grew up in a house full of women. My dad spent most of his time at work (a.k.a. the pub) where he could hang out with other guys and watch sports. He was hardly ever home. While all of the other moms in our neighborhood would be threatening their kids “You just wait until your father gets home.” My mom would be threatening us “IF your father EVER comes home…whatever!” They were mostly empty threats, because when he did come home, “toasted” he’d give us money. Well, he didn’t really give us the money…he’d pass out and we’d take it out of his wallet. I called it my college fund. And, my dad was so proud of me when I graduated from college, he framed my diploma and hung it above the mantel. My sister dropped out of school, so, just to be fair, he framed her DWI Defensive Driving Certificate and hung it next to my diploma (crooked, because he drinks).

Although I am not an experience tailgater, I have done a little research on the proper way to tailgate. The Iowa State Food Safety website says you should always be careful what foods you pack and that you store them at the proper temperature to ensure they do not get contaminated or develop bacteria. Here are a few tips from their website:

Follow these simple steps to ensure food safety:

• Buy reasonable quantities
• If food won’t be served soon, store it in a cooler immediately
• When you get home, properly wrap and freeze deli meats that won’t be eaten within two to four days
• REMEMBER most food poisoning bacteria can NOT be seen, smelled, or tasted
• Bacteria multiply fastest between temperatures of 40 and 140; it’s what we call the Danger Zone
• If in doubt, throw it out! Keep hot foods HOT (above 140° F) and cold foods COLD (40° F or below)

The 21st Century Insurance company website offers these safety tips as well on the proper way to tailgate:

• If you’re grilling, make sure to bring a fire extinguisher
• After your tailgate is finished, throw away all food that may spoil. Leftovers may be tempting after the game, but they may also be dangerous
• If you’re using a charcoal grill, make sure to cool the coals properly before putting them in a garbage container or back in your car (unless you want to use them as a discipline tool)
• Make sure you can see properly and that there are no items in your way, such as bottles or cans before starting to drive
• Secure your grill and other items in the back so nothing can fall out
• If any guest have been drinking alcohol, make sure they don’t get behind the wheel

And, most of all, have fun. You won’t have another 3 day weekend until Columbus Day.

Until next week…Happy Labor Day!

Daun T
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

The Proper Way To Tailgate – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Tailgating is a major annoyance to me and I’m sure to you too.  If I’m in the left lane and I see someone coming up behind me, I move over.  Don’t wait until that other driver is on your bumper, move over in time!  If someone is tailgating, don’t do a break check and hope they are covered financially by that funny little gecko.  Simple turn on your blinker to let them know you see them and that you are moving over.

Our world of driving in the U.S. will never be perfect, but all of us have a personal responsibility to help make it a little easier.  What’s your driving pet peeve?  Let me know and I’ll talk to you next week.

Take Care-

Danny Keaton

www.myspace.com/comicdemexican     

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