MODERN TECHNOLOGY

It’s true that cars go faster, can be driven longer and speed limits are higher now. Fuel prices are higher as well, so weighing out the time you would spend in the car as opposed to paying for a plane ticket pretty much depends on how many family members you are traveling with. Or just taking the ones you like. If you want to see the Grand Canyon, you have no choice but to drive there. Not by plane, unless you own and fly one. And there is only one way in and one way out from the main highway. Every time I’d be driving between California and Texas, I always planned to visit the Grand Canyon. But, by the time I’d get there, I’d be over the driving business and just want to get home! Maybe next time, kids!

CAR CRASH v.s. PLANE CRASH

Some people live for road trips. Me, not so much. I spent most of the late 80’s and early 90’s on the road as a stand-up comic. Although I have great memories and stories, I wouldn’t want to do that again. I’m more of an airline girl. If I can’t fly there, I’m not going. Also, it seems that it is more dangerous to drive than it is to fly. Although a 747 can carry up to 660 passengers, the average person living in the U.S. has a 1 in 102 chance of dying in a car crash, compared to a 1 in 205,552 chance of dying as a passenger on an airplane. This means that you are more than 2,000 times more likely to die in a car than on a plane.

As for me, I also consider the pain factor of each crash when thinking about car travel vs. plane travel. If my plane goes down, it would likely be instant death. A car crash seems a bit more traumatic to me. I think it’s goofy that while flying, the flight attendants will wake you up out of a dead sleep to make sure your seat belt is buckled under your magazine or blanket. Who cares, really? I mean, if the plane goes down, when identifying you, the only thing left after the crash would be your seat belt buckle and your teeth. And they already know you were on the plane when you checked in (before you checked out)!

Until next week…
Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

RAPID TRAVEL CAR v.s. PLANE – Comedy Defensive Driving

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DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS

This original campaign launched in 1986 has had some success in reducing litter. It is reported that, even with efforts, 362 million pieces of litter continue to show up on our roads. Teaming up with a well-known brand such as Buc-ee’s will extend into the community. And will also promote education initiatives in schools to teach younger generations the importance of keeping the environment clean and picturesque. Yes, just as Ladybird Johnson had envisioned it to be. Who, by the way, launched her own Texas Wildflower program in 1986 as well.

THE BARREL AND THE BEAVER

Buc-ee’s wants our roads to be as clean as their restrooms. In their establishments, you will see the signature “Don’t Mess With Texas” red white and blue trash barrels. And, of course, their beloved beaver merchandise. It couldn’t be a better union of these two, both with a proud and loyal following. Two with a common goal, to fight litter in Texas.

And don’t even think about throwing anything out the window of your car (except ice, water and chicken feathers). No, not even Buc-ee’s Nuggets.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson

Writer / Comedienne / Artist

THIS CRITTER DON’T LITTER CAMPAIGN – Comedy Defensive Driving School

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They’ve recently put in some traffic circles or roundabouts near where I’m staying. They’re created for traffic “calming”, but they seem to only confuse and annoy people and cause them to get agitated. So, not really what they were going for, but it’s the thought that counts.

There are crosswalks in touristy areas in random places. And, if you don’t stop, it’s a hefty fine. But, time is money. And with people here taking about 20 minutes to cross the street, perhaps they should add a traffic calming circle there and just get it over with. In the center of the roundabout, they could build a PrimaCare and a Walgreens. Maybe even a Chiropractor’s office. Those traffic circles would be a great place to advertise for any of the above.

Tomorrow, I’ll be in Chicago. Let’s just see what taxi driver experiences I can share.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Florida Drivers – Comedy Defensive Driving

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An entire month spent in the mid-western USA made me long for the warmth of a Texas autumn. I suppose I’ve never adjusted to cold weather. And, after years of living in the south, I’ve become accustomed to the Fall here, where some are so freaking hot, that the leaves literally ‘melt’ off the trees. Like a surreal, ‘Salvador Dali’ kind of Fall. I must admit that, up north, I reveled in the beauty of the giant oaks and maples, with their annual transformation in shades of sun-kissed gold, brilliant orange and vibrant red. But I knew that it was just a short time before those leaves would fall. And with the falling leaves would come a brutal winter. This was my cue that it was time to come back home to the lone star state.

I dreaded the drive back home. And my imagination drifted to the new ‘Dorothy’ app. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just click my heels and instantly find myself 900 miles away, back in my own warm nest. Of course, that’s not how the app works. But at least the app did come in handy to get me out of an awkward conversation with a creepy toothless guy. Until that encounter, I thought the dating website FarmersOnly.com was just a myth.

Happy Fall to all of you good drivers out there.

Until next week….

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Traffic Related Deaths – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Taking man’s best friend for a ride in the car is a family favorite. After all, you take them with you because you love them. And they enjoy getting out of the house and exploring just as much as we do. But you don’t realize that taking a pet in the car is not unlike having a child as a passenger. They should be restrained in a dog harness or a doggy seat, and they should never be left alone in the car.

It hadn’t crossed my mind that window safety locks should be on as well. Our West Highland Terrier, Rocket Moon (do not let your children name your pets) was catching a breeze out of the passenger side window, when his paw hit the button and he rolled his own head up in the window. There he was, writhing and kicking, just dangling from his head, stuck in the window. I hope no one saw this through our tinted windows. I pulled into the nearest parking lot as soon as I could and released him from his death trap. Who would have thought that something like this could happen? It was like a scene in Final Destination. I hope no one reported me to P.E.T.A.

Our Westie used to ride between the seats, perfectly perched upon the console. And, more than once, I had to throw my arm in front of him, so he wouldn’t become a hood ornament, when someone pulled out in front of me. Worse than that, I used to let him ride on my lap while I’d drive, letting him hang out of the window. Sometimes, I’d even let him drive. I must admit, he’s a better driver than me. But his eyesight is atrocious. If someone had pulled out in front of me and we’d had a collision, it could have been beyond disastrous. I have an older car, and the airbag (if it even still comes out at all) is supposed to deploy at 300 p.s.i. That’s a crazy amount of pressure. Airbags don’t deploy at a pressure that high in newer cars. That could do some serious damage. An airbag is a controlled explosion. If the airbag was deployed with our dog on my lap, the pressure would likely end his happy tail wagging and his body would probably crush my chest and kill me. Once I realized this, I bought him a dog harness at the pet supply. If you’ve never seen one, it looks like something Madonna would wear onstage. It clips onto the seat belt, so they have freedom to move around on the seat, but they won’t hit the dash or the back of the seat, should you have to stop suddenly. They only had hot pink, and he’s a male, but he’s color blind, so he probably doesn’t even notice.

Leaving a dog in a car, unattended is also a bad idea. I used to take our dog with me while running short errands. If it was hot outside, I would leave the car running with the air on and lock the car with the spare key. Not realizing that it is against the law to leave a car running, unattended. Perhaps just planning to run into the convenience store for a gallon of milk, thinking I’ll only be in there for a few minutes. Then, someone ahead of you in line writes a check. And you’re thinking who the heck writes checks anymore? And you’re in there for over an hour.

Until next week….

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Traveling With A Pet – Comedy Defensive Driving

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This year, we are fortunate enough to stay home for the holidays and not do any traveling. But, for those of you who are planning to venture out on your long winter’s journey, here are a few tips to keep you safe during holiday travel.
Have your car checked out before you leave for your trip. Have the tires checked to be assured there is adequate tread for slippery roads. Make sure they are properly inflated and that your spare tire is ready for an emergency. If your tire jack that came with the car is a flimsy piece of junk, as they usually are these days, invest in an easy to operate jack at your local auto parts store. Have your fluid levels checked and topped off. If you haven’t already done so, flush and replace your antifreeze. Chances are, you won’t be parking in someone’s garage when you arrive at your destination, and your car will be exposed to the elements. Invest in a snow scaper and a pair of waterproof gloves. Be sure that your windshield wiper fluid is also filled and your oil grade is of the correct viscosity for cold weather. Try to put together a winter car care kit for an emergency, with blankets, water, crackers, and other items to keep you warm and alive in the event that you do get stranded on the side of the road.

And, have safe, happy travels. Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Holiday Travel – Comedy Defensive Driving

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What a novel idea Walt Disney had when he chose to have every ride at Disney World exit through a gift shop. Walt Disney World is the ultimate tourist trap. And, being located in the state with the highest population of senior citizens, it’s likely the most dangerous driving excursion you’ll ever make. Even when my daughter and I took a trip to Atlantis in the Bahamas, the Dolphin Encounter exit filtered through a gift shop. Inside the souvenir shop, there was also a photo counter where you could purchase pictures of yourself, posed with a large, smiling dolphin. We thought we were going to swim with dolphins, but come to find out, it was just a photo opportunity. Before they allow you to participate in the Dolphin Encounter, they first make you sign a waiver saying that you won’t touch the dolphins around the eyes, the blowhole or the private area. I told the dolphin trainer that “I would try to control myself…but I drink…so I can’t make any promises.”

Talk about trip planning, when I was about nine years old, my sisters and I took a trip from St. Louis to Los Angeles with my great aunt and two other very old women. That trip was just under 2,000 miles, each way. With six arguing females in one car, it’s extraordinary that we even came back alive. I remember we went to Arizona, where there was a roadside attraction to “See A Baby Rattler.” We stopped, paid the admittance fee and saw it…just lying there in a large wooden box, a pink plastic baby rattle. I’m sure we got a picture with it, I can’t remember.  I bought some suede moccasins and an Indian doll that had a beaded costume that smelled like fresh airplane glue and sniffing it seemed to help ease the pain of the trip. We passed through New Mexico, Las Vegas where you had to be 21 to even use the toilets and the highlight of the trip was when we went to the Grand Canyon.  By then, everyone was tempted to push each other into the abyss.

The point of our trip was to drive most of it on Route 66, which crosses America through 8 states giving travelers a chance to see Americana that hasn’t evolved since the 1920’s. Or, as most tourist traps put it “to recapture the past.” It does have the most majestic scenery and the best tourist traps west of the Mississippi, as the road twists and turns at over 2,288 miles.

I found some old postcards we had sent to my parents from that trip. Most of my writing was incoherent, likely due to the airplane glue from the Indian doll. One, telling my parents that the best part of the entire trip was the Barney Rubble house in Valle, Arizona. Yes, it must have been the glue.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist / Glue Sniffer

Trip Planning for Tourist Traps – Comedy Defensive Driving

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Until next week…you may want to re-consider that car pool to work.
Daun Thompson

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