New Year Resolutions

It’s a brand new year! And it’s time for a new beginning. I bet you’ve made your new year’s resolution! Mine? No speeding in 2012. No, really. And, just like your new year’s resolution, mine is destined to last until approximately January 31st. Only to be forgotten and then I’ll be back to my old ways. So let’s make a pact. I will promise to watch my speed and you promise to keep running on that boring treadmill. Good luck to both of us. The funny thing, I didn’t even get one ticket in 2011. I got through the entire year without a ticket! Can you say the same? And it wasn’t because I didn’t speed. In fact, I’m almost certain that I did speed. Of course, I was just keeping up with the flow of traffic like everyone else. Even if you’re not typically a speeder, others will push you along to make you go faster… faster… FASTER! For me, it’s just a matter of time before I get a speeding ticket, even if I am just keeping up with the flow of traffic. And when I do get pulled over, the last thing I’m going to do is tell the officer that I teach defensive driving and get a 45 minute lecture in addition to my ticket. After all, I should know better, right? “I’m just keeping up with the flow, ossifer.” And, something you’re not even going to believe, I haven’t gotten a ticket in many, many years. My secret is I drive like a nervous little old lady, looking out for speed traps and taking note of all traffic signs. No, really. Paying attention and not taking your eyes off of the road is the best way to prevent you from getting a ticket or being involved in an accident. And, just so we’re clear about this. I am not bragging about not getting a ticket in years. Another thing I’ve learned over the years is you don’t want to brag about it. If you do brag about it, you get three tickets in a row. Like celebrity deaths. At least there’s one drawback to being a celebrity. Probably more, but I’ve never been one so I wouldn’t know. I was once asked “Didn’t you used to be somebody.” Drunks say the darndest things (wasn’t that an Art Linkletter show back in the 50’s?). This year’s celebrity deaths (a moment of silence, please) were fitness guru Jack LaLanne, movie star Liz Taylor, singer Amy Winehouse (that makes 3), actor Jeff Conaway, saxaphonist Clarence Clemons, jackass Ryan Dunn (that makes 3 more), actor Peter Falk, comic Patrice O’Neal, boy genius Steve Jobs, that cantankerous old fart Andy Rooney, and smokin’ Joe Frazier (and that’s 3 again.. see, I told you).
So, if you haven’t devised your new year’s resolution, not breaking the law is a good start. It will save you time, money, aggravation and self-loathing. Or, perhaps, your resolution will to not become a celebrity in 2012. That way, you won’t have sleepless nights when a fellow celebrity kicks the bucket… worrying that you may be next!
Until next week. Keep it safe. Be kind. And remember to use your signal, and not your finger.
Daun Thompson