Are you the type of person who doesn’t like to follow the crowd? Do you walk to the beat of a different drummer? Do you dare to be different? I’ll tell you what will set you apart from the rest of us monkeys…just don’t road rage. Nearly everyone does it, so it’s one thing that most of us do have in common. A topic in conversation that nearly everyone at the dinner party can relate to. Some studies say that road rage has become something that people almost “boast” about. Road rage gets more media hype than Britney Spears. And the truth of the matter? Since when did not being able to control your temper in public become socially acceptable? If you really want to be a novelty out there…have some road manners. You’ll be in an exclusive club. Here’s some simple solutions and friendly alternatives to road rage.
Someone’s tailgating you? Following too close for your liking? Well, you don’t want to give Mister Close a brake check. That’ll really honk him off. And, even though you’re dying to, don’t lock ‘em up either…don’t slam on your brakes so he rear-ends you. “I hope he kills me…then he’s really going to feel like a jerk.” Where’s the logic in that, you passive-aggressive monkey? Here’s a swell idea. Turn on your hazard lights if they’re following too close. They’ll think you’re going to slow way down or stop completely…perhaps your car is breaking down. Hopefully they’ll just go around you.
Want to get over? Change lanes…? (that’s what the kids are calling it). If you put on your turn signal, we all know that’s a guarantee that no one will let you over. They’ll see you. But they’ll pretend they don’t. They just won’t make eye contact with you. It’s just like walking down the sidewalk in New York City. No eye contact. And you have to signal before changing lanes or you’ll get a ticket for that. So, what to do? Signal and then put your arm out the window and give a friendly wave for someone to let you in. Perhaps it’s more personable to see part of your humanness (new word? You’ll see it in Wikipedia, I bet) hanging out the window. Hell, you don’t need that arm anyway. You’ve got another one just like it. And when you hang the arm out…look right at them. Like a sad puppy with large, moist eyes. Being pathetic may not get the babes, but it’ll get you over a lane or two. I guarantee it. Still single? You bet! So, arm out the window…not out the sunroof…remember, that’s reserved for the finger. And for God’s sake. After they do let you over, don’t forget to wave thanks at them. People get all mad if you don’t acknowledge that they did you a big solid there by letting you in. And through a tinted window, they don’t know if you waved at them with one finger or all five of them…so, you just won.
And, if someone else wants to get over in your lane? Just let ‘em over. Maybe if you start being courteous and letting people over, karmatically, maybe other people will do it for you. And just let one or two people in. Not half a dozen. Don’t over-do it. Some people think they’re being good samaritans and will let half a dozen people over at one time. While the guy behind him is counting how many bullets he needs to load into the chamber of his gun. Not cool. Over-helping sometimes creates more problems.
Here’s the thing. If you want to live longer, relax. Let it go. If not, you’ll have a heart attack in your prime. Buy a Yanni CD to mellow your butt out in traffic. And, if you live in California, smoke some pot (for medicinal purposes only, of course). Chill out. If you live in Texas, get your A/C fixed. Hot and sweaty makes people edgy. And, it’s not a good look.
Bottom line? Just don’t give other people the power to change your good mood.
You can use these suggestions…or not. I don’t really care if you don’t. But don’t tell me about it or I’ll get in my car and hunt you down. Hunt you down like the dog that you are. And I’ll flip you off while you’re waiting in that 45 minute long drive-thru line at the In-N-Out Burger. And you won’t chase me because you won’t want to lose your place in line. So, there. I just won.
Have a great day …and BE NICE!
Daun Thompson
(Daun is a comedienne, writer and artist who resides in the sweltering city of Dallas, Texas)