I was in a bar after a show in New Orleans when in walks the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. This Venus lured you in by her mere presents with her long auburn hair, ocean colored eyes and an arousing body that was sculpted by the hand of God himself! She took the seat at the end of the bar. The obvious fact that she was alone should have been my first clue that something was not right with this seductive situation. I struck up what I thought was a clever, witty and humorous conversation with the help of Jack Daniels. Under the neon lights, the silver moon for bar flies and dreamers alike, she looked like an angel, a dirty angel but angelic in her appearance none the less. We traded embellished stories over spirits and Camel lights until we took a taxi back to my hotel room in the Garden District.
Friends, brace yourself…this roller coaster of ecstasy is about to come to an abrupt stop! The woman I woke up with the next morning was not the same goddess I came home with! I was duped and no, it didn’t turn out to be a dude. I shoved her off the bed. When she growled her way up onto her hairy feet, I told her I had been called into work for an emergency. “But I thought you were a comedian” the beast snarled.
“Well yeah, but the stage lights need to be replaced and the manager is a midget so he can’t change the bulbs” I squeamishly answered. Hey, it was the best I could come up with. As the troll galloped away I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. How could the woman of my dreams turn out to be a nightmare?
Self diagnosis: there were several contributing factors.
1. Jack Daniels.
2. The lighting conditions
3. The fact that I’m a male dumb dog
The fact that I had Jack Daniels and poor lighting conditions was the reason for my careless decision. What does this have to do with driving, you ask? I was giving an example of how lighting can be an illusion in certain situations. Poor lighting can cause you to miss road obstructions, potholes on the street or warts on someone’s face. The glare of the sun can cause approaching vehicles to become invisible. Clean your headlights, especially after inclement weather. Use sunglasses during the day but never at night, duh! And always have your sun visor pointed away from your face.
Join me again next week and thanks for all the comments and e-mails. Until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton